I know I'm a huge dork. I spent about two and half weeks reading the Harry Potter series. A few of my friends and Rich were talking about them and I was like ok whatever. Then my best friend Sarah says, you have to read them, they are so much better then the movies. I hemed and haughed a long time then I gave in. Then when I started reading them I had a very hard time putting them down. OH MY FREAKING GOSH. They were awesome. I wish I had more to read. It reminded me how much I love to read, and I need to get some more books to start reading on a regular basis. I don't really have anything else to say. Later all.

Today I had a long conversation with my dad about everything going on in my life. Which I haven't done since he had his heart attack, I guess I just figured he had enough to deal with that he shouldn't have to listen to me whine about my life. It felt really good though to talk to him. I think that maybe I didn't really deal with everything because it didn't seem real. I wanted to be in control with my life but as weird as it may sound, I talk about almost everything with my dad and it doesn't seem like the last five months actually took place. Now however it seems like everything is hitting me harder than it ever has. I think it is a very very good thing though.

Next a little update on Mackynzie. She is teething. I don't mean like getting a tooth or two I mean like hard core teething, 8 to be exact. ALL four of her what I call her k9's are coming in and as I just found out today, so are her molers. I couldn't believe it. She already has her front 4 teeth top and bottom, so she will have a full set of teeth before she is two. My baby is growing up to fast. I started crying when I thought about it today. I know it sounds stupid, but she is learning everything so fast. She is also potty training. Which she happens to be doing very well at. She went all afternoon with out an accident. YEAH!!! I can't wait until I don't have to buy diapers anymore.

I hate it when the person you want to talk to doesn't want to talk to you. You may not have alot to say but you just want to hear their voice or just chat for a few mins. I miss my friends. All of you.

I think that is enough. Later all.

The last couple of days in my life have been scary and releaving all in one. Wednesday Mackynzie woke up coughing and congested, I thought great Kynzie's got another cold. We got up and went on about our business. Through out the day Kynzie was having a harder time breathing, I gave her some Tylenol Cold, thinking it was just a cold, when that didn't work I gave her some Albuterol, that didn't work, I got her calmed down and she went to sleep. I of course knew I wasn't going to get much sleep cause Mackynzie wasn't sleeping well, she was haveing a hard time breathing, as most do when they are congested. When we woke up the next morning I called her Dr. and told them what was going on and that I need to come in and have her checked out. SO I went into the Dr's office. yeah...... We ended up having to do a breathing treatment on her and then she was sent to have 2 chest x-rays. As I'm sure you can imagine, it isn't much fun having to do eather to a one year old. Finally the Doctor told me that she has Asthma, and she was having a saver asthma attack. Doctor Bhatia said that she would send her home as long as I was sure to give her breathing treatments every four hours, and two other meds twice a day. Also I had to bring Mackynzie in today (the next day) again, for her to be checked again. Otherwise she was going to put Mackynzie in the hospital, and if she doesn't like her progress today then she is going into the hospital. Luckly I have giving breathing treatments before and administered meds to her many times before. so every four hours we sit down and Mackynzie gets a breathing treatment, by this point she is more used to it, and behaves better usually we have to distract her by singing or playing peek a boo or something like that. However the machine that does the treatments, the Nebulizer is in the shape of a panda bear. Which is cute and it isn't so scarry for the little ones. Anyway, it's just been a crazy few days.

Later all.

Why do people stay in relationships because of fear? Fear is so crippling. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes just plain fear to be happy. If you live in so much fear how do you know if you are really happy or if you just convince yourself that you are happy so you don't have to "fear" anything. I guess I kinda of understand since I've become a mother I think my biggest fear is that I will somehow screw everything up, that I will be a bad mom, or that I will fail to do what is right for my daughter. I don't want to do anything that would cause my daughter to look back and say, why didn't you do this, or why didn't you do that? I would have had such a better life if you would have just....... (fill in the blank). Or why couldn't you have.......(fill in the blank). I think I haven't ever experienced fear like this. Looking from the outside, I guess people thought I wasn't ever afraid of anything, in actuality I was scared of not trying. Of not achiving whatever it was I thought I should try for. That was the biggest fear I had. NOW, I am scared on a daily basis and I hate that, I really really hate that. I can't wait until I have concord this latest fear. I think that is enough for now. Later all.

Erin

How do you get rid of anger? I am still trying to figure this one out, if anyone knows how to get rid of anger please be kind enough to share it with me. My body hurts. My head hurts. My soul hurts. I know the there is a thin line between love and hate but do you actually see a line or is it just a small slope, or maybe just gray area, I'm not quite sure. Right now I don't really see a line, I just see me on one side and both of them on the other, as if they are coexisting on the same playing field. I'm not sure if that is even possible but as for now that is what it looks like to me.. so I guess the real question is, can you hate someone you love and can you love someone you hate? If you can anwser any of these questions please please please shed some light on it for me, cause I'm in the dark baby.

i'm going to bed!!!!

I realized today that it has been a while inbetween my posts and for that I'm sorry. Although there are like what three people who still read it? Anyway, let's see what has been going on in my life. hum...... I have had some wierd dreams, some I don't even understand just cause they are crazy. I have been hanging out at my sisters house lately. Did you know that Friends, can relate to any one at some point in their life.

I really don't have alot to say right now. I think that is it for now.

bye

Today is a very exciting day.

It is Mackynzie turns one today. Which of course makes me sit and reminisce about one year ago today. Here is what I have come to remember. One year ago today I was in the Hospital, very very LARGE and very very uncomfortable. I was close to two hundred pounds, I was huge, and I'm very glad that I am not that big any more. I was on a lot of drugs, all legal of course. There was very large amount of family around me one year ago. My body was all sorts of messed up. Then of course my beautiful little baby girl was born. I am so happy that she is here with me. I couldn't imagine my life with out her. She is so wonderful. She walks, talks, and does just about everything I do. If I clean Kynzie cleans....or at least tries, usually making a bigger mess then when we started. She climbs on or up everything she can reach. She is such a little adult. She is singing, dancing, and has impeccable timing. She even claps to the beat of the music.

That is all I have to say for now. Later all.
Erin