So a couple of nights ago I spent several hours cleaning out my e-mail account. I reread most of my old e-mails. I guess when I save e-mails I need to think about why I am saving them and not just put them into a folder because they were sent by any one person. What I mean by that is that I spent so much time going over stupid e-mails about plans for the next day or "hey just saying HI". Seriously not going to be saving anymore of those. However it made me think about things that had happened since those e-mails were sent and now. It seems like two different life times. If someone had told me back then that I would be living back in Iowa and be a Mom, a stay at home Mom at that, I would have probably laughed and blown them off as if they were talking crazy. Not that I'm saying I would change anything about my life now. What I am saying is that it hit me, just one small decision in life can define your whole future. When I moved back to Iowa it was because I was hurt and angry. I guess I thought that if I got far enough away I could run from the pain and the frustration of my life. However what happened is that I got stuck in a life that was very unhealthy and very unproductive. Then I met this great guy that was in the same situation as I was. We ended up spending just about every minute of every day (and night) together. We hung out at the same places with the same people like the same things. The only thing I ever asked was that he never ask me to stay here for him. Which he promised he would never do. There came a point when I had to decide to keep running or slow down and face my problems. Then there he was looking right back at me. It was a great feeling. To know that I had someone to face my problems with instead of having to face everything alone.

Then came Mackynzie, the only thing I think I've ever gotten right. Sometimes I just think, oh my goodness this little baby depends on me for everything. She can't do anything without me. WOW I'm a MOM. I know that this probably sounds stupid for anyone who doesn't have a baby or maybe even for some of you that do have children. But it still hits me, I have a daughter, I am someones Mom. Then as time has gone by, as Kynzie gets older, wow I've taken care of this little girl for this long? I don't know what the future holds for me. I just hope that when my daughter gets older she looks back and says, "you know my Mom did everything in her power to give me everything", and she is happy about that. That I don't let her down. That would be my biggest mistake in the world, my biggest regret.

I know that this means nothing to most of you. However it does to me. I'm done being "deep in thought" for now.

LATER